I have a small life right now, but it’s one that I love.
Since moving to the UK last May, Thomas and I haven’t gone out of our way to make friends. The only person we talk to and see on a regular basis is his grandmother, Sue.
Without her, we’d almost certainly be complete recluses; staying in our own little bubble and not coming out for lack of want or need. Even with her we’re pretty reclusive, but at least we get some social interaction besides with each other this way.
Maybe it sounds crazy, but I’m happier like this. Happier only being friends with very few (and yes, to me, one counts as very few) – choosing to only let people (or “person”) into our lives that we know will be around forever – who are worth every second of the time of day we give them. I had so many empty friendships before that only existed to fill a want/need for social interaction that now it’s nice to get all I want/need from Thomas, and to keep the rest just for those who are truly special and worthwhile.
I live a life without drama, something I’ve said I’ve wanted (and meant) for years, but never felt I had a chance at back in Canada. It’s peaceful. I almost feel like I’m in recovery.
For once, I don’t spend my time reflecting back, thinking about the old days. I sit in my bubble – our studio flat that should by all measures be too crammed for two adults and a cat working and living full-time. But the space is fine; perfectly fine. And while I dream about having a house one day (soon, preferably) and maybe another cat or two and potentially even maybe children in the distant future, I also wonder if, when I’m at that point, I’ll look back at this time in our lives and miss it.
I don’t miss any other period in our lives. Or in my own life. It was too hectic, there was too much worse off from where we’re at now. I don’t want to go back to anything being here. And while I want to move forward – I will always want to push forward, I’m too ambitious to sit still in one place happily – I need to constantly remind myself to appreciate more what I have. Not that anything in my currently ever-so-small life goes unappreciated, just that when I’m sad over not being able to have more (more space, more travel, more anything) it’s a bit silly considering what I do have I love and want so much.
The only thing I could possibly complain about is that my life is “boring.” But it’s not boring to me. It’s simple and small, but I control every aspect of my day. I make my own schedule, I am my own boss – I have access to the ones I love 24/7 – I am way more time and love rich than the majority of those with so much more than me could dream of.
Yes, most wouldn’t dream of what I have as any sort of ideal (you have no idea how many times I’ve heard, “But I would never want to spend that much time with my husband/wife – it’s just too much; you need your own space – time apart”), and I’m aware of that, but to me this always has been the ideal, so I need to remind myself it’s okay to be static here. It’s okay to be without the house, the garden, the escapades, the over-priced food, and the adventures. Because at the end of the day, there will be time for those, and even if there isn’t – when all is said and done, there’s nothing much more to them than adrenaline and bursts of fun and interesting experience. Every holiday has to end, every good meal, too, and coming back home to something like what I have here and now would be nothing short of a dream come true for me were I to have ended up in any other situation besides the one I’m in.
There’s nothing missing here in my little bubble. I have all that I need. I have things besides that I want, but wants will always be there; we’re human, so they can never really end. I need to learn to hush my wants, not ignore them completely, but tone them down – so I can truly appreciate what I’ve got.
Because what I’ve got is amazing. And what I’ve got is a lot.